The Weirdest Feeling

Yeah, lately I've had this feeling, this "knowledge" of the fact that I'll never -ever- be happy. Maybe I'll get the chance, I know I've had plenty of them... But still... It's knowing that even when I do get the chance, I never allow myself to be truly happy...

I've had good times, of course. My days are usually bright... But lately, dunno, somenthing's clearly missing.

Something that's always deep inside me and that keeps me going is the affirmation of the fact that the vital measure of happiness is always inside oneself. You may try to find it in others, and you may get a whole lot of happiness from people around you... But it's neither wise nor correct to depend on it.

...Seems like I lost my ability to find my measure inside me. And that sure scares me.

I'd always been able to, let's call it, see a light even in my darkest times... But now... I feel like no one understands me at all.

Every time I'm tired, everyone keeps asking me why am I sad. Well, thanks, y'all,but still... Everytime I'm sad, everyone just thinks I'm angry... Everytime I'm angry, they just think I'm crazy... And that sure gets me tired... And then here we go again with the cycle...

Lately, each and every one of my feelings has been misundertood in the worst way... I don't even really get myself anymore. It's like a spark is missing... Something that was precious to me and that I just let it slip away.

Yeah, sometimes I feel everybody takes me too seriously and sometimes I feel everyone just thinks I'm kidding... And it's all just too complicated, but it's all a symptom of the fact that... You see? I lost what I was saying... The only thing that's clear to me is that basically it isn't everyone else's fault... The incongruence is in me.

Now, just to start with: Ask me why am I writing in English, and that answers a lot. Well, I'm writing like this because it feels like a mere practice and not like I'm opening my heart to you... And why did I put a nice little happy picture at the beginning? So that this wouldn't look like a suicide's letter, or something... And oh, come on... I want to make clear it isn't... But these are quite dark times.

I'm sucking big time at everything I do. And the things I'm not sucking at (actually I'm doing just great on those), it's just because they're way too damn easy!

This is not living, anymore... I'll try and do what he told me to do. Give myself the opportunity to be a full time student... And pheww, this still has a shade of something way too personal... I won't get too deep in it.

Has anybody else felt this way?

This is turning out to be a looong entry... Oh, and speaking of blogs... I'll begin tagging my entries from now on... In fact, I'll begin taggin my old entries, because I want a tag cloud... They look seriously gorgeous!

Oh well, let's move on with our day... Let's smile our way through it, so that no one will think we're sick, or tired, or sad, or angry... Even though we are.

...But that's life. And I'm confused in a way I never had been. I don't even want to read! Today I don't feel like doing anything...

Just today's linguistic maze: In fact, speaking English, to me, doesn't seem as true as speaking Spanish... There's something missing... Perhaps the complication of the verbs... Perhaps the inability to refer to a group, the use of "you" for eeeverybody... It lacks warmth... I guess it's too simple for matters as twisted as these.

Anyway, it is the weirdest feeling.

P.S: Dude, greatest luck to your mom in the O.R!